Of Personalities, Roles & Stereotypes

Chatting with a "virgin" young guy who has been holding himself out for Mr. Right prompted me to write about personalities, the role they play in sex and stereotyping.

For one who have not had sex with another guy (so he claims) and who have not even explored his rectum with his fingers, he believes he is versatile more to bottom and he seeks a top guy to be his life partner.

Most of us are clear on the personalities stereotype associated with gay sex roles. If you are top, you are likely to be one who likes to dominate or exert power over your partner and the active one in sex. You are likely to be more manly and acts as the man of the house who makes most of the major decisions. While the bottom guy is one who is submissive and likes to be pampered or doted upon or cared for and taken care of. Bottoms are the passive one in sex.

In a local context, tops are mostly the manly acting ones and the bottom are softer and, dare I say, kinda sissy, the diva or queen. (I see brickbats raining my way!)

So what does one make of a guy who takes on both sex roles (the versatile guy)? He acts accordingly to what suits him or which role he prefers when he is in the mood???

Should not the role we prefer be based on which role gives us the most pleasure rather than the type of personality we are? I believe it is after exploring both roles and as a result of our experiences, we are better able to decide on the role most preferred.

Torn between Two Lovers

My good friend who works in the Singapore has fallen in love with a Singaporean guy whom he describes as just the type of guy he had yearned for. So what's the problem? He has a boyfriend here in KL who he has been cohabiting for the past 4 years. The Singaporean is fully aware of his relationship with his boyfriend right from the start. My friend says he still loves his boyfriend but his heart also palpitate for the Singaporean. Truth is he is in love with both of them!






He decides to go with the Singaporean while he is there working and he would not break up with his boyfriend whom he sees when he is back for the weekend. He seems happy doing the stuff he did with the Singaporean but he also feels at home with his boyfriend whenever he is back here in KL. While the Singaporean provides the company that he seeks, my friend feels the comfort of home when he is back here during the weekend.

Yes, there are some problems between his boyfriend and him and the Singaporean is almost everything he had wished for. Does he want to choose between them? Right now, I believe he just wants to enjoy it and let things flow.

Is it possible to be in love with two person at the same time? Some would scoff at that and says that's cheating. What say you?

Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur.

Temptations!

Image via Wikipedia

Reading a blog relating a doctor examining a fisherman and intentionally re-examining the ripped abdomen of the fisherman prompted me to write this. The doctor was feeling a rush of adrenaline with his heart racing with desire but was able to contain his urge to lick the patient's nipples and resist the temptation.

Indeed guys are the sexually physical ones!! Gay guys are especially tempted to, and most often give in to their urges when faced with an opportunity to "conquer" a subject that attracts them.

Staying faithful to your gay lover or practicing monogamy has always been an issue with most gay couples. It seems to be something that is difficult for most given the vast opportunities to stray. But there are those who insists on being faithful and practicing monogamy.

Some couples practice an open relationship. Some others, play individually with the partner not wanting to know any details but being aware of such infidelity. Yet some play together.

What is it about guys that makes them so sexually attuned to their groin?? My guess is it's the hormones!! And the willingness of guys to engage in some fun when mutually attracted makes things easy!

What about straight guys? Well, guys no matter straight or gay or bisexual are prone to yield to the rumblings within their groin. The difference? Gays have more opportunities to stray!

Life being the forbidden fruit!

Image via Wikipedia

Some gays are intrigued by married bisexuals and I am often inundated with questions about my life. Gay friends tend to think that married bisexual guys have the best of both worlds being able to have fun with both sexes! There may be some truth in that but living a double life is not easy.

While some would like to keep their orientation from their gay friends, I take the measure to ensure that gay guys I befriend are clear of my status right from the start. Why? Well, I do not want them to be shocked when they bump into my family and me while at the shopping malls. In fact, without my knowledge, a bisexual friend bumped into me with his girlfriend and respectfully kept his distance. I find most gays respect my honesty about my status and keep their distance when they see me with my family or clients.

Being bisexual I have to tread very carefully lest the cat slips out of the bag while the family is watching. The desire for the touch of a guy is in conflict with the life that I am known to be leading, that of a man with a spouse and kids.

Some gays view married bisexual guys as rife with greed, wanting it all; having the cake and eating it. I have total respect for that and they are entitled to their opinions.

Yes, I have had emotional entanglements with a few guys but believe me, those were not consciously embarked upon. I have always told myself that its not fair to be emotionally involved with any guy and its better to keep the bonding merely physical. But then, just like sodium when added to water will have an explosive reaction, both guys might fall for each other despite knowing the intricacies of such a clandestine relationship.

So while on a physical note, we might be having the best of both worlds and enjoying ourselves but when the heart is smitten, it can be frustrating!

Love us or hate us, for we are just flesh and blood like all!

For more reading, please go to Bi-sexual Married Man Part I

Bisexual Married Guys are HOT?!?!

Image via Wikipedia

A comment from a reader prompted me to write this post. Thanks Lucifer the Devil/Angel!

Some guys find married bisexual guys HOT! They are attracted to them and most are unable to clearly explain what it is that they find attractive about married bisexual guys. Maybe, as one has explained, married bisexual guys are the forbidden fruit. Its the mind that makes the guy desire to explore the forbidden.

To some, they have this image that married guys are manly, fatherly and most likely to have a tummy. To others, the mere fact that the guy is married and bisexual is totally sexy and if he is in good shape and with a good looking face to boot, that's a bonus!

While there are some guys who totally cannot accept bisexuality and detest married bisexual guys or gays who just married to hide their identity. They do not like the fact that married guys have one foot in this side.

In my conversations with most guys who are attracted to married bisexual guys, the most common thread seems to be that they find married bisexual guys passionate in bed! They have commented that married guys know what they want and are good performers!

Personally, I discovered this side after I got married and after I was exposed to the internet. Am I passionate in bed? You have to find out yourself! haha...

Time it takes to Climax in SEX

Been wondering how long does a guy takes to reach orgasm that is considered good or good enough!

Some guys climax too quickly and that is referred to as "premature ejaculation". PE has been defined as occurring if the man ejaculates within two minutes of penetration. It could be arousal levels were too high bringing about a climax too soon when sexual excitement, some anxiety and over stimulation are common features. Now, I guess reaching the peak in a short time might be a turn-off for the partner as he might have just gotten into the act.

On the other hand, there is a condition called "delayed ejaculation" where a man either does not have orgasms at all or can't have an orgasm until after prolonged intercourse which might last for 30–45 minutes or more. DE is the inability to ejaculate or persistent difficulty in achieving orgasm despite the presence of normal sexual desire and sexual stimulation. Men who are unable to ejaculate during intercourse or in some cases, during any sexual activity in the presence of a partner, can suffer from frustration and embarrassment. They might be suffering from performance anxiety when they are trying too hard. In these instances, the man is so concerned about giving his partner pleasure that he loses track of his own.

So how long is considered good enough? According to my research on the internet, normally a man can achieve orgasm within 2–4 minutes of active thrusting during sexual intercourse.

Now, which category do you guys belong to?

Me? Go read my post on "Adventure in the Night" for the answer! LMAO...

Writer's Block!!!

Have not been posting anything for a while. Guess I have the writer's block!

Actually, I have written one post which I have not published as I am apprehensive and a unfinished post which I had not gotten about to complete. Being feeling quite lost about everything, don't really know what to write!

I will be back with some intelligent discourse to bore you all soon!
Anyone out there who got any suggestions!

Gym Guy - Episode 3

The meeting that required 1 week advance notice was finally confirmed when I sent KC a text message last Thursday to confirm the coffee date.

On that day, we met up at the Jacky Chan Cafe in Lot 10. He ordered green tea as he is health conscious. Up close, he is really handsome looking with fair almost flawless skin and a Korean looking face and a muscular body to boot. If he is taller than his 171cm frame, he could be a Korean pop star!! haha...

We chatted lots of stuff but our conversation mostly centred on my family, his university hostel days, his family and his job. He is a financial planner and given his handsome face, I thought there would be some interesting incidents for him to share.

So, I probed.

Me: Have you met any demanding clients? I mean any aunties who would hint hint at something?

KC: Oh yes, some rich mistresses are my clients and they introduce their friends to me. They always call me to come out for coffee and/or ask me to go to their place to "discuss" their insurance needs!

Me: So, what do they do?

KC: Err... (reluctant to give details)

Me: Do their hands rub your chest or your arms etc?

KC: Ya lah! They never bother to ask also and just proceed to rub rub. Some would say my arms are so muscular or my chest is so nice, etc.

Me: How do you react? Did it go on further?

KC: Err... (silence)

Me: Ok ok. Are there male clients who do that?

KC: Of course, some of these uncles are really daring. One insisted that I meet him at his place, giving all sorts of excuses when I suggest some public places. All these aunties and uncles never bother to ask me before they try anything on me!

Me: Aiyoh, you really expect them to ask you? These kind of things, people normally don't ask for fear of rejection. They rather do it and see the response. For example, if I asked you "Can I kiss you?", what would you have replied? You would have said "No!" surely.

KC: I would consider. (to my total surprise!!)

I really did not know how to react to that. After chatting with him for almost 4 hours, we left for our individual home.

Will we meet again? Well, we will bump into each in the gym off and on!

Kissing

Kissing between lovers is an act of romantic expression with the intensity of sexual feeling. It involves the act of pressing one's lips against the lip's of another person. It evokes the sensations of touch, taste and smell and is an expression of love or affection between two persons. The opening of mouths and the insertion or movement of tongues into the other's mouths is called French kissing. Kissing is also sexual foreplay.

Romantic kissing is best done in privacy as it affords a couple the proximity and intimacy to experience the sensations in full. Kissing evokes a sense of well being that is hard to define. But not everyone is into kissing, some would rather go straight to the main course. Some would reserve it solely for their special ones.

Personally, I am a romantic at heart and I love to kiss. I would even kiss my partner all over his body to explore every nook and cranny possible. Yes, I have kissed a fair bit of guys. The best kisser to me has to be WC, we could kiss and kiss. He has a tender loving way of kissing. Yupp, I miss those kisses!!!

Gym Steam Room

Been hitting the gym for the past few weeks and I have to say that I am quite pleased to see myself getting back in shape again!

Steam rooms and saunas are an integral part of today's gym and being one who enjoys sweating myself in the steam room, I do pop in to the steam room sometimes. There was two particular incidents worthy of mention.

Incident No. 1

I went into the steam room and sat at one side as there was one other guy on the other side. Shortly that guy left and i was alone. Ahhh ... all to myself, bliss!! But it was short lived, in came another guy with his towel wrapped around him as low as he could! I could see his crack and faintly the hair line. Such audacity! He took off his towel and placed it over his private area and took position at the same side that the previous guy sat. Nothing unusual except that his eyes kinda never left me! Conscious of someone looking at me, I would look back and into his eyes, expressionless. But each time I looked at him, he would kinda scratch his groin area. That happened for a few times! Was it a signal? I did not venture to guess. I sweated enough and left to shower.

Incident No. 2

This guy was with his gym-mate doing their exercises near me and they were talking quite loudly and brashly. They spoke in tongues that no mother would approve! I was quite amused at their choice of words and smiled to myself. My eyes happened to meet with one of the guys and as a matter of courtesy, I weakly smiled at him.

As I was there earlier, I finished my routine and took a shower to clean myself for a session in the steam room. As I got out of the shower, I saw him walking around the changing room as if looking for someone. He saw me too.

Not too long after I got into the shower he came in and stood opposite me (I was seated and had my towel neatly folded on my lap). His eyes!! He was staring at my groin intensely! Was my towel too high up that he could peek in? Err... I didn't know nor was I bothered.

After a few minutes of gawking, he sat next to me. I just continued with my sweating and left for the showers after a few more minutes. What happened to him? I don't know cause I did not see him after that.

I know there are guys who do it in the gym but ain't it all a bit too risky? For me, I would never do that!

Adventure in the night!!

Not a very adventurous person when it comes to outdoor "activities", I did experience one incident in my car towards the end of last year!

On a night out yam cha with friends, I had to send this friend of mine home after the session ended. While on the way back to his place, he suddenly put his hand on my lap and said that he was horny and he wanted to oral me! I asked him where as I knew he stayed with his parents. He suggested we do it in the car around his place. Even though aghast at his suggestion, I was nevertheless enticed. The thought of the excitement mixed with the fear of being found out seemed alluring!! I agreed and proceed to drive round to find a suitable spot.

Found a shady spot where I parked in front of a bus. I reclined my seat and slipped off my trousers nervously, my friend without hesitation wrapped his lips around my manhood eagerly. It was both exciting and scary as I continued to keep a look out while he did his thing! I swear I had the best fellatio then as he hungrily took it in his mouth without the aid of his hands!

While I do not normally peak quickly and had never climaxed while being oral without the aid of the five digits, I was in a hurry to shoot. I guess the pure rush of adrenaline from the excitement of the situation brought me to a quick enough climax. I came but my friend did not stop! I came again and again and again in his mouth, screaming my head off (I almost always make lots of noise when I cum)! I had to push him away!

I had one of my worst headache that night and it lasted till the next morning after popping two panadol upon reaching home!

Naughtiness at the swimming pool!

Recently on a weekend alone at home in the morning, I was chatting with a friend online. I invited him to have breakfast with me. He in turn invited me over to his place for a swim. So after breakfast, we went back to his place for a swim at his condo's pool.

There were two Indonesian ladies in the pool when we got down after changing. We chatted and swam for about 15 minutes and suddenly he told me that someone was watching us from one of the balconies of the apartments lining the two sides of the pool. As I looked up, I saw no one and he told me that person was not looking any more. He remarked he was not sure who the guy was watching, him or me but thought it was more likely to be me! LOL...

Conscious that we were being watched, I did look up off and on in between swims. I swam over to the other end away from my friend and rested at the edge. True enough, there was a guy who was looking down at the pool. I looked at him and noticed that he was looking at me too.

After about five minutes, he disappeared into his apartment. But within a few minutes, he appeared at the pool and went into the changing room. For what? I can only guess! He came out (not changed for a swim) and proceeded to sit on the bench outside the changing room to smoke with his eyes constantly watching me. I pretty much ignored him and continued to swim and chat with my friend. My friend said he was interested in me!! LOL...

Ever the cock teaser that I am, I decided and told my friend that I am going to the changing room to pee and sees what happens. So off I go to the changing room.

I went straight to the urinal. Within a minute, the guy came in and stopped at the wash basin to look at me. Conscious of his presence, I glanced at him. He then took position at the urinal next to me. As he pulled the front of his shorts down, he had a full blown hard-on. I took a glance and tried to continue to pee, a little excited at the sight! He swiftly moved over and extended his hand to touch me! A little surprised, I took his hand away and pulled my trunks up. He proceeded to get a ladle of water and entered the sauna. What did I do?

I left!! LMAO...

Gym Guy - Episode 2

I finally took the initiative to call the gym guy up (I shall refer to him as KC from now on). As this was my first call, he asked who was calling. When I told him its me, he was giggling and sounded like he was delighted that I had called him. I went on about his question and he asked if it was the auspicious time to tell him, giggling even more!

I told him I will tell him over a cup of coffee and asked if he was free on Friday. He replied that he needed to check his schedule after he gets back to office and will call me to confirm.

After almost an hour, he called back and said that he was busy and requested that we meet next Friday. I said its fine with me and that we will have a cuppa before I hit the gym.

Gym Guy - Episode 1

Been hitting the gym for three times a week after procrastinating for a year. As I always like to observe people anywhere I go, in between exercises and while resting, I would look around at the surroundings and the gym members. Found a old member from Clark Hatch and we exchanged pleasantries.

There was a particular guy whose eyes met mine when I was scanning around. I nodded in acknowledgement and smiled as a matter of manners. He is a good looking guy. After that, I did not see him around as I guess he had finished his routine and had gone to the changing room to clean up and leave.

After having done my exercises, I went to change and go home for dinner. To my surprise, he was still in the changing room and his locker was in the same row as mine, just two lockers away. I had some trouble with my lock and had to struggle with my lock for close to five minutes. Finally, I enlisted his help and with his help, we manage to open the lock. I thanked him and proceeded to change. As he was leaving, I thanked him again.

After about 2 minutes, I also left. While I walked out of the doors of the gym, I noticed that he was standing near the escalator twiddling with his mobile phone. As I was walking past, I struck up a conversation and asked if he comes often.

Guy: Yeah, I come here often. Are you on a trial here?
Me: No, I am a member but I have not been coming often and just restarted.
Guy: No wonder, I have not seen you around here before. Do you work around here?
Me: No, my office is not around here. I came here as I had to do some shopping. You work around here?
Guy: Yes, my office is quite near. What do you work as? Do you have a name card?

With that, we exchanged name cards and bid each other good byes.

The next week I was there and he saw me. I waved hi and he came over to talk to me. One of his questions was very interesting! He asked "Are you married?" My immediate response was "Do I look married to you?" He answered he did not know and laughed.

In my mind, I was wondering what was his purpose in asking that question. So, I deliberately told him that I will not answer that as yet and told him that I will answer later and jokingly said that I need to consult my feng-shui master to pick an auspicious time and date to answer him. He laughed about it and asked me to message him when the time and date is right and left to continue with his exercises.

Have I told him yet? Not yet!! (to be continued...)

有這麼一類人…

Copied from a friend's FB...

有這麼一類人…他們很傻…貌似很花心…其實很專一…

貌似很堅強…其實比誰都要脆弱…

貌似很開心…可是笑容背後的哀傷誰又能懂…

其實很多時候…這一類人都是在自我折磨…

明明很愛很愛對方…卻寧願心痛的死掉…也選擇放手…

然後轉身離開…任眼淚隨意放肆…

其實很多時候…這一類人很好懂…

他們很害怕孤單…因為一個人的時候…他們會胡思亂想…

他們會想起那個沒有結局的故事…會想起那個模糊卻又清晰的臉龐…

因為一個人的時候…他們會覺得很沒安全感…

他們的要求總是那麼的低…只要愛著的那個人陪著他們就好…

其實很多時候…這一類人都很敏感…都很容易猜疑…

一個眼神…一個動作…都會讓他們神經兮兮一整天…

所以不要讓他們恐慌…不要讓他們傷心…如果愛他們…

其實很多時候…這一類人都在感傷…

不是他們多愁善感…只是容易觸景生情罷了…

他們喜歡用文字來刻寫他們的心情…這也是他們的一種寄托方式…

其實很多時候…這一類人都處在矛盾之中…

是繼續還是暫停…是放棄還是堅持…

看似感性的他們…卻往往於最後…總是讓理性駕馭整個思維…

其實很多時候…這一類人總是活在過去…

他們總是不經意地在現在的生活中找一些似曾相識的感覺…

雖然他們自我約定要忘記過去…可是他們忘了…過去已在腦海根深蒂固…

其實很多時候…這一類人害怕看見別人的甜蜜…

不是嫉妒…只是會覺得和以前的自己好像…然後會陷入整個回憶…

待過往的疼痛喚醒自己的意識…再一個人慢慢舔舐自己的傷口…

其實很多時候…這一類人都很執著…

有時候不明白他們在堅持著什麼…

他們是在期待那個沒有結局的故事的結局還是在等待更大的傷害…

他們就是傻…愛上了…就會像個娃娃…任意被擺動…

這一類人…缺點太多…脾氣太臭…不僅任性…而且敏感多疑…

所以要麼不要靠近他們…要靠近就用真心對待他們…因為他們的心脆的很…傷不起…

Trick of Fate!

I never thought I'd find someone like you
Though in my every fantasy I saw you everyday
I thought there was no way - to make my dream come true

I always thought that I would be alone
Afraid to dream that anyone was ever gonna see
The love inside of me - but how could I have known

A trick of fate would bring us together
A trick of fate would alter our lives
We had to wait it seemed like forever
But never say never to a trick of fate

What were the chances I'd be here with you
That after all the lonely years of searching everywhere
I'd turn and you'd be there - from clear out of the blue

Our lives are in the hands of destiny
And though we try to take control
That's not the way it goes - a higher power knows
How it's supposed to be

A trick of fate brought us together
A trick of fate altered our lives
We had to wait it seemed like forever
But never say never to a trick of fate

And now, something has begun - something very new
And suddenly the future's looking bright
Somehow when two hearts beat as one, fairy tales come true
And anything seems possible tonight

A trick of fate brought us together
A trick of fate altered our lives
We had to wait it seemed like forever
But never say never to a trick of fate

It just goes to show
That you never know
Where love's gonna grow
- It's a trick of fate

Finally...

Time to back off!!!

Not everyone can accept me from going from "A" straight to "S" in love in a short period of time!! Yes, it was too fast, too soon, too much!!! I can understand totally! Unconsciously, I have been giving pressure in too little a time! It was drowning, suffocating to say the least! While I never intended for there to be any pressure but pressure was felt!

It was too much to handle! And I was uncontrollable! I did not pull in the reins when all the signs were there!! I just let it flow with devastating effect! I knew it yet I failed to acknowledge it! It did not help when I was met with silence! Should have told me instead of trying to match or cope with me!! I would have understood! I would have woke up!

Damage has been done! Now, I will just let things be and hope that my friendship will be cherished! I will be there when you need me! Maybe, you need someone to talk to! Maybe, you need a shoulder to cry on!! I will be there!!

It will be 平常心 from now on! Fate has brought us together, I will follow fate and let time be the barometer of my love!

I sincerely hope we are still friends!

人贱！

My friend thought of himself as 贱 !

Recently he got to know a guy and that guy has fallen in love with him. He has described him as a professional, highly educated, financially stable, very loving, filial, love sports, straight-acting etc etc etc. Practically everything he would want in a guy!!　Best of all, he is totally in love with him. But my friend only likes him.

That guy send him sweet nothings everyday, calls him every morning, meets him almost every evening, calls him every night and chat for hours. He even took half a day leave to go to the airport just to see my friend and accompany him to work! Lots of silly things that he does for him!

Now, compare that guy with his current bf. He lives off my friend, refuse to find work, does not have a good education, was once a massage boy. Once, when my friend was sick and went out for a massage and "guat sa". When he came back, his bf coldly asked him "You went out to curi makan?". Worst of all, he has physically abused my friend.

But my friend insists that he still loves him! Love is blind? Or he is blinded by love?? No wonder he thinks he himself is 贱 !!!

Blogging

I have mixed feelings about blogging my innermost feelings. Being a reserved person, one who does not talk much about his emotions except to very few close close friends, blogging makes me feels vulnerable and exposed!!! Telling the whole world about my innermost feelings is uncomfortable at times!

But when my friend is unavailable, penning down my emotions is kinda relieving though not exactly the same when I share it with my friend. I still prefer the ears of my close friend. In him, I have found a mate that we can both freely share our emotions. He is a great listener when I talk and I do the same! We both knows what we will tell or advise each other what we already know in our hearts but the assurance that we seek is without doubt comforting!

God, two bad nights and I am falling sick. My body feels hot, think I am coming down with fever!! Hope I get a good night tonight!!

I just need to readjust!! Should not be too difficult!! It just require some time!!

Some Quotes

有人說：『愛情總會讓人患得患失，變得不像自己。』 或許是吧 因為在沒遇到愛情之前，總會對愛情懷抱著憧憬。直到遇上愛情那一刻，才會知道..原來愛情是這麼的奇妙.. 愛情像是心靈上的化學藥劑，可以使接觸到的任何人都產生變化。原本我對愛情的觀點，是一種可有可無..的甚至我一度認為，愛情在世界上是『多餘』的。直到有一天..在我不經意的踩到愛情，讓它黏住我的時候。。我才知道，原來愛情來臨時，可以勝過一切..

How true!! I am not myself anymore!!!


水瓶座害怕愛情。 他們也知道自己最不擅長的就是愛情了。曖昧的話，他們是高手，調侃的話，絕對不怕， 但是戀愛，這個問題有點嚴重。戀愛對他們來說是很恐怖的事情。……准爆了。

The feeling of LOVE is scary cause its not something you can control!!

Spare or Gap-filler?

A close friend of mine is of the opinion that I might be only a "spare". I think that I might have been a "gap-filler"!! When he is done with his own time, time for PC, time for family and there is a need to fill a gap, then I might have been the filler!!!

Actually, it's not his fault, it's all my fault!! I am expecting too much! Too much of his time!! Too much of his attention!!! I expect his replies to my mobile messages! I expect his sex! I expect his love! I expect...

I never ask. Do I want to ask? Yes, but I never did! I thought its best that he tells me when he wants to! He never tells me much!! It's all my imagination, I guess!

Night of 05/06/2010

Had a good time with my cousins at dinner! Was prepared to extend the night by joining my friend from SG partying with his friends but an unexpected call came and was delighted that we could meet even though it was totally unexpected! Alas, my joy turned into despair when the plan was dropped. Thought that I could still join my friend but I was down. Did not want to spoil my friend's night with my mood! Decided to walk around BB instead. Sat down at Gloria Jean and ordered a cup of Americano but what came was diluted. Sign of a bad night!!!! Anyway, told them about it and they promptly changed it!

A night out alone got me thinking! Why did I ever let myself get into this situation??? I should have known better!! I should have remained rational!! I should never let my heart rule my head!!

I thought I have forgotten how that feeling is!! But I was mistaken!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love defies logic!!! This time round it seems more intense and deeper than I had ever experienced!!! But it seemed one-sided all the while!! At times, I feel he loves me but most of the time I have my doubts!! Does he love me?? The doubts have grown deeper!! Maybe he just likes me! Maybe he just like the attention I showered on him! Maybe he just likes the love that I have shown for him! Maybe he just like the care that I have given him!! Maybe I am expecting too much!!! Maybe I am demanding too much!!!

Right from the day of first contact, he has made his intentions clear, he wanted to be friends and to have some fun!!! I was being naive!! At my age, naivety hurts!! But then again at that moment, those were my intentions too. But things do not always turns out as one wanted! Day by day, I was attracted without a good reason!! It was unexplainable!! Illogical!! My heart grew fonder and fonder, much to my dismay!! I had not wanted it! I thought I am a person who had full control of my emotions!!! But how wrong can I be!!!

The only logical thing for me to do now is to just be friends and forget about the whole thing!! What is not meant to be will not be!!! I thought I can be selfless and give without ever expecting!! I am no Mother Teresa!! I am mere mortal!! Yes, I had expectations! Yes, I am understanding but there is always a limit to everything!! I guess I have reached my limit!! Time to withdraw!!

LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS!!!!!

First Contact...

He messaged me in one of g profiles asking to be friends and left me with his msn address. I responded and added him in my msn. A few days later, on 14/04/2010, Wednesday, his usual day off, we chatted for the first time. He came across as decent and intelligent in our first chat and definitely not the type that "cut the chase and straight to bed" type chatter.

Unusually, I had an urge to meet him that day itself. Something I don't normally practice. Maybe he looked cute in his picture, maybe..... He left me his mobile number and asked me to give him a message whenever I feel like it. He did not ask for my number in return. A gesture that I liked.

Again unusually, I text him within the next hour. Something I don't normally do too! I am normally a cautious person given my status. I have to be careful!

He displayed his intelligence when he combined the 2 names I gave him and assured him that those are my real names by successfully finding me on FB that evening itself! But the moment he added me and I saw the common friend that we had, I grew apprehensive! He asked me about RL. Suddenly, I did not want anything to do with him. But I was also curious as to how well he knew RL. He squeezed a promise out of me that I will still meet him if he tell me. Horror of all horrors!! He's his brother!!! At that moment, I was bothered but I had also promised.